mom's pov

Hi, I’m Marlies, Joke’s mom and I’m hijacking her blog today.

When you search for info regarding BPD (borderline personality disorder) you find heaps of articles and websites with a list of the symptoms, percentages & data, tips how to deal with it as a parent.But you hardly read about what BPD does to those who are in close relationship with a borderliner. And believe me, it has a huge effect on us too.

You know that your child hurts, that her actions and words hide negative emotions like separation anxiety, an inferiority complex, a strong fear to fail. But knowing that, does not make it easier to deal with it. Head vs heart.

How do you cope when, during a tantrum, you get shitloads of criticism poured over your head? Knowing that it’s always the people who are the closest who get blamed the most, really doesn’t help here. I understand the theory about setting (my) borders. But what do you do when she crosses them again and again? When you put your foot down, she just grabs her purse & keys and takes off anyway? How do you deal when your daughter does not want to live at home anymore? I know (and even understand) the mechanism behind it, ‘leaving before being left’. But it brings me no consolation, it still hurts like hell.

Being the person that I am, Joke’s BPD affected my self-esteem, big way. I found myself questioning my parenting skills, especially after hearing that I had tried to do it ‘too good’, which had the opposite effect. Instead of being a mirror for Joke, I was a sponge. The wrong approach apparently, but little did I know at the time. I’m just a mom, trying to do my best, trial & error.Thank God that Joke is open about her BPD, especially now with her blog. That makes it easier for me to talk about it to other people, instead of hiding behind the ‘yes, everything is OK’ phrase that we all use so often. And to everyone who told me that it was just a difficult puberty: no, it’s not. But thank you for all the examples you gave me of teenagers-from-hell…

Last year I have hit rock bottom and I’m now climbing back out of the black hole.What helps for me? Humor. Support from people who matter. Unconditional love. Therapy. And a strong belief that in the end everything always works out for the best and happens for a reason. A bit like positive karma. Although the ‘karma is a bitch that will bite you in the butt’ idea is sometimes also a comforting thought 😊

We all have had our share of shit last year. And we’re all working hard to make things better, with result, as Joke already stated.Is the situation now as I ideally would like it to be? No.But can I live with it? Yes.Am I proud of my daughter? Hell yeah!And as long as we sing together in the car every once in a while or laugh about the same silly things, I’m confident we’re going to be OK.